Q:
Hi Rox, I think it's
kind of crazy to be asking a complete stranger for advice,
but I honestly don't know where else to go. I feel guilty even posing this
question as if it's a problem.
You see, I
have a beautiful charming 16-month-old son, and I just found out that I'm
pregnant again. Great, right? Yes, but... my son is not a sleeper, never
has been. My husband and I work fulltime, and my parents (God bless their
souls) watch Patrick during the day. The only way that they can get him to
nap is in the car seat. The only way that I can get him to sleep more than
an hour at night is to nurse him down, then go to sleep with him in his
room. (Kind of a miracle that I got pregnant again, eh?) Of course, he
still wakes up at least twice a night to breastfeed before rolling over
and going back to sleep.
My question is
this - what the hell am
I gonna do when the new baby comes?!?!
More specifically, can
you give me any advice, or direct me toward someone who can give me some
advice, on getting my toddler to nap and sleep more independently before
the new baby arrives in September. I don't want to wean Patrick right now,
when he seems to need it so much. I also don't want to betray his trust by
letting him "cry it out" or some other harsh sleep training method. I just
want to attachment parent both children in a way that allows me to get up
and go to work every day with some semblance of productivity. My siblings
and friends either subscribe to the Ferber method or else have only one
child, so they are no help. Can you help? Lori
Dear
Lori:
Yippee!!
I can help, I can help!!
It feels so
good to actually have something in my bag of tricks I can pull out at
exactly the right time someone needs it, because the truth is, no-one has
all the parenting answers, certainly not doctors or people with one child
or anyone that isn't in the exact same situation at the exact same time
with the exact same child we have. I am not that person, but I do know
where to send you. And sometimes, that's the best kind of advice.
See Elizabeth Pantley's book about sleep,
She doesn't say to Ferberize (neither does Dr. Ferber, half
the time, actually) nor does she say to suffer in silence. She gets
co-sleeping, crib sleeping, and everything in between. I only read about
half the book and didn't follow all her steps (she says you should be
rigorous, but I'm sooo lazy) and*still* I felt I had more of a handle on
sleep thanks to her. Go to our One Hot Mama discussion boards, search for
her name, and you'll find that plenty of our mamas are singing her
praises. Aren't you glad you wrote a complete stranger?
Now, here's the part that'll make you regret writing said stranger. I'm
going to answer a question you didn't ask. Actually, several questions you
didn't ask. First, little Patrick is a baby. And will, no doubt, be more
of one when the new bambino arrives (Get
for a head start on life with more than one.). He needs you.
Really needs you. And there's only so much you to go around. I know of
what I speak. I was working so much when pregnant with my second that I
lost weight two months in a row. In the third trimester. Not good. So I
can match you overachievement for overachievement. But I wish someone had
sat me down and got in my face about what I thought would get easier when
the second baby was born. (Oh, wait. Someone did. But I ignored her and
kept trucking. Ignore me at your peril.)
What do I mean? Well, feeling that I had to be extra productive at work
(our own business, OHM, but my husband has been known to fire family
members) and manage my toddler and get ready for construction on our house
and bounce back from the baby (I'm an actress. You don't get to claim baby
weight for more than three weeks or so) left me with no time to BE with my
baby or my husband or myself, much less to pay attention to a new baby. So
sit down (you'll fall asleep, so try a couple times) and really try to see
why your firstborn would want to sleep independently when he sees you so
little. The nights may be it, for him. I'm not saying you can't work. But
you can't be all you can be at work and be a great mother, not in the same
year. I have had to learn to accept that. What did I do in the end, after
the nervous breakdown? I face that I'm a crappy-ish worker, but every
month or so I put on the afterburners and design four new dresses and
spend as much time as I can in the office sucking up to my husband and
sister. I gave up on getting kids out of the bed for now because they
desperately need to recharge those batteries and if it doesn't happen in
the day, it has to happen at night. And I had a heart-to-heart (okay,
several, and they were attended by a paid mental health professional) with
my husband about him stepping up his firstborn duties so said ds wouldn't
feel neglected when the baby arrived. That, by the way, only lasted about
ten minutes. And it'll be a little tough for you if Patrick is one of
those very attached to Mama boys that isn't ready to give you up. In that
case, you may want to bone up on the wonderful world of tandem nursing.
Has your head exploded yet?
I hope not. I just want to lay it out there
for you to consider. You may also read this reply and think that part-time
maybe the way to go at work. I have a little warning about that, too.
You'll feel that you have to put in as much work for half the pay in half
the time. You'll be right. Your coworkers will resent you even if you
carry a full load, half from home. If you can live with that and let it
roll of your back, it may help you immensely. And if you like Ms.
Pantley's book, your hubby and parents all have to read it too.
Good luck, girl, and please let me know what you think. And then let me
know how it all turns out. (Hint, it'll be okay.)
Best, Roxanne
Hi Roxanne,
I can't believe you responded. I
can't believe you actually had some advice. I can't believe the advice
MADE SENSE. That is so cool. I will get the No Cry & sibling books on my
way home tonight. I will also start a conversation with DH about getting a
king-sized bed and a co-sleeper crib (it's going to take some time to
convince him, but I'll work on him).
I actually love sleeping with
Patrick. I don't really want to stop, it's just that I'm afraid that if we
add a newborn's noises to the bedroom, Patrick will wake
up every time the baby does. And right now, that would probably
mean nursing then walking the floor every time for 30 minutes to get him
back to sleep.
I'll read the book and see if we can
find some ways for him to get back to sleep that aren't too arduous for
the grown-ups. I will also think long and hard about work. It's not that
I'm driven, or even that I love my job. It's more like "I've reached a
certain level and if I drop out I'll have to start at the bottom again"
coupled with "my husband's job is not secure, and I make more than he
does, so we need my income" in conjunction with "I've had thoughts of
murdering/leaving him, so I'll need this job to support my babies".
That said, your unsolicited advice
was very timely because my boss is asking me to accept a promotion so that
I can work on some things he wants me to do. This may or may not work for
me, given my current condition (which he doesn't know about). If he wants
certain things from me, maybe I could get some things from him, like
reduced hours. Or maybe it's not the right time for me to make a change.
I'll have to think about it and see what makes sense. I
don't pretend to be superwoman, I just want to do a great job of
mothering and an acceptable job at work. I REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate
your time and common sense and reassurance. I'm normally not this whiney,
but I panicked. I'm glad I reached out to a total stranger, and I'll let
you know how it goes. OHM rules!
Roxanne Says:
You rock on with your
bad self! With your okay, we'll add your response to the thread, so
that people can cheer for you from the sidelines. And by the way, my
philosophy on husband murder/divorce within the first year or so of
motherhood is: I'm not gonna let him off that easy!! (When we were
most at odds, and dh decided to hit me with, "I think you need to wean,"
my blessed pediatrician, Paul Fleiss, told me that I needed to give more
attention to my husband. WHAT! All this plus staying up later to offer
oral sex? No way! But he was right, and we both ended up with smiles on
our faces. We're still together, so go figure.)
Ask
Roxanne