 Ask
Roxanne
Q:
Rox, what do you think of a
mom who
works?
Is it possible to be an attached parent with a job? Is it possible to be a
good parent with a job? I really need help because I have two kids, the
youngest only 8 months old, and I want to be with them as much as
possible, but I’m the co-owner of a really demanding business.
Torn
Los Angeles, CA
A:
Dear Torn:
You are
not alone.
You sound a lot like me (okay, truth be told, you are me - I just like
taking on other identities occasionally). The first thing we (parents,
people with brains, dear readers) need to do is acknowledge that a child
loves and needs no-one as much as his/her mother and father. Even kids
that have been abused will cry out for their parents as they are carting
the evildoers off to jail. So to say that daycare or a nanny is just as
good as one’s beloved parents is complete and total hogwash. It’s like
saying that sitting on one’s lard butt downing Ben & Jerry’s watching the
playoffs is just as good as competing in same. Now, most of us, myself
included, do a lot of B&J eating and hardly any exercise, and we don’t try
to pretend that it’s better for us; we just accept that we made that
choice.
So it is
with working (or just leaving the house) and the necessary evil of
entrusting our kids to someone else - it’s just not the same. I had a
great nanny for three years. She loved Cameron and he loved her, and we
were more often than not a gang of three, as he was nursing and with me
and she came along as well. But now she doesn’t work with us anymore, and
he misses her friendship. And even though she loved him, it was a job, and
she’s moved on. That’s hard for him, and for me.
Clearly,
we work for a lot of different reasons; the most often stated is purely
financial (“I have to work!”) But when I am brutally honest with myself, I
admit that I want to, I need to work for more than the money.
That it is way easier than the all-consuming, relentless
no-pats-on-the-back rigors of mothering. That there is immediate
gratification in completing an assignment, the company of peers, to say
nothing of the joy of eating lunch in a restaurant without pausing to dole
out zwieback teething biscuits or to latch your hungry infant on. It is
seductive, the power of work, of being needed by adults who have a FedEx
pickup deadline to meet, for Pete’s sake! That is real!
But so
are our babies. So most of us muddle through. We split shifts with
husbands, or work part-time, or make do with less, which should be easy to
do because so many of our American possessions are useless - but I really,
really like my Tivo*. And if we stay home, we have to deal with the fact
that our unpaid job is never-ending, and that the working spouse will need
to work his or her ass off and/or feel the constant pressure of being the
breadwinner.
So no
solution is perfect, except for, perhaps, living in Sweden (where workers
are given a wonderfully super-extended paid maternity leave), but I know
this:
mothers who
also work outside of the home need nursing and baby wearing and
co-sleeping maybe more than anyone!
I always know that Cameron, even on the days he spent with a nanny, got my
milk, knew I was his mother and could recharge his batteries at the
mothership overnight. I have an LLL friend who is still nursing a toddler
- and she’s a flight attendant. Another best girlfriend is a contractor,
and I think we can all say that our style of parenting helps tip the
scales in favour of our children.
I
won’t even address the quality vs. quantity time issue. To a 20-month-old,
it is not great to see his parents on a regular basis for only one hour a
day. But if you’re attentive, you can see when your working is not
working, and take the time to reassess the situation and make things right
for your family. It’s the best we can do. And it’s okay that not
everything will be done well. My house is a mess, I need to update a lot
of One Hot Mama files, but if Lila’s crying or Cameron has a school event,
that’s my job.
* Editor's Note:
Tivo is the incredibly cool "personal TV recorder service" that lets you
pause live TV etc. Great for when you're watching your favorite show
and someone (loudly) demands your immediate attention. ;)
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