Ask Roxanne

From: Susan

Dear Roxanne:

I'm breastfeeding my second baby and my 2 year old son is  JEALOUS. He whacks her and pinches her and tries to rip her clothes  off--anything mean while I'm nursing. I've tried scolding, swatting (LORD  forbid--I swore I'd never spank!), ignoring, removing myself. Nothing seems  to help. Any suggestions? I feel like my relationship with him is going  down the toilet!    

Dear Kelly:

I'm on vacation but this is clearly an emergency. Right now, go to a  bookstore or order online the book, Siblings Without Rivalry. It's a quick  read. Do what you have to do in order to read it straight through at least once.  

What your son seems to be trying to say is, "pay attention to me, Mommy!" and you are. The scolding, the swatting, although all negative, are you engaging with him, and that's better than nothing.

Now, lest you think I'm  being all holier than thou on this one, I'm not. I'm pregnant with #2 and  trying very hard to deal with these feelings already rearing their ugly head  around our house. I understand how hard it is for baby #1 because (a) I've read and re-read the book, and (b) I was once baby #1 myself. 

Just quickly, here are a few ideas until you get the book (I am NOT kidding  about this. Go to the library, even. It truly will change your life and the  lives of your kidlets.)  

1. Talk to your son. Short sentences during a non-stress time are good (like  you have any with a newborn and a toddler. But try early morning, before  tempers flare). Tell him that you know it's tough around the house, but that  you're going to work on not yelling or flinging body parts toward him, and  you need him to not hit or tear at anyone's clothes, either.  

2. When baby needs to nurse, tell your son that it's time to feed the baby,  and if he picks out a book or two or three, you'll read it while you're  nursing. Sit on the floor so that you're accessible to him. (Prop some  pillows against the couch or wall so this isn't tantamount to torture.)  

3. Every single day, do something with him alone. Tell him in advance that  every day at 6:00, say, you're going to take a walk without the baby (pick a  time that is usually baby-friendly). Stick to it. When your hubby gets home,  hand the baby to him and say in earshot of #1, "Johnny and I are going for a  walk. You and Jane can stay at home while we go out." or whatever. The walk  only needs to be 10 or 15 minutes for him to feel connected and you to  remember that he's a baby and a cool person, too.  

4. Along those lines, sometimes say things to the baby like, "Jane, can you  wait five minutes for me to change your diaper? I'm helping Johnny with his  cars." or other stuff.  

5. When he does try to hit or grab at baby, ask him why he's doing that. If  he says he's mad or hates the baby, tell him that you understand his  frustration, and tell him that you love him very much, and that he's the  only Johnny you have for a son.   Good luck, and Godspeed in getting the book!  I'll have to refer back to this reply in August, when my baby arrives. Please let us know how things are  going in a couple weeks. And try a La Leche League meeting. There'll be tons  of mothers there who have gone through the same thing.  

Regards, 

Thanks much. Susan

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