 Ask
Roxanne
From: "K"
I
love your site! I have to tell you though that sometimes I feel like a
pretender. I was a hot single woman, and even a hot pregnant one, but
things have changed. Yes, after two kids, I've got a serious case of the
frumpies. My long hair is too thick to wear up. I'm extremely chesty, yet
I have narrow shoulders, so I end up looking like I'm wearing a tent. I've
been eyeing your super-secret nursing shirt, but sorry a size 14 is not an
XL! There are some good tips on your site (show off legs, get a uniform),
but those tips are like a check-up. I need intensive care!
Dear K:
The
ambulance is here, honey. But first, a little background music. As I first
read your letter, I sat at the computer in my uniform of pilled-fabric
sweats, worn with the waist below my expanding
not-quite-big-enough-to-be-really-showing tummy and fuzzy-haired ponytail.
I filed it away to answer when inspired. Later, I got a call telling me
about a big audition for some network muckety-muck the next day. Since
that's the whole point of living in Lost Angeles, I had to go to the
mirror and take stock. The sweats and grubby socks were bad enough, but my
eyebrows were beyond thick, my fingernails were many different lengths,
and the nailpolish that I had applied for my birthday (in November) was no
longer making my toes look so sexy. Add in the legs that are shaven one
quadrant at a time (as Cameron stands in the shower door, crying, "mommy,
mommy!") and you can see that I, too, was not a pretty picture. Why am I
grossing y'all out in this way? To let you know that I am the same person
who the next day walked out of here with clean, pretty hair, a nice outfit
that covered the partially-shaved legs (just didn't have time to do the
whole nine yards, y'know?), and freshly waxed eyebrows. I looked hot. I
still had it, and so do you, but it really does take a fire drill or a
cattle prod or a call from the old agent to work up the inspiration to do
the legwork (no pun intended) sometimes.
Of course, the longer you leave the car without an oil change, the greater
the chance that the engine will need overhauling, so even though we are
all the world's greatest mommies and daddies (insert pat on the back
here), let's use this email, or the first and fifteenth of every month, or
whatever else you can remember, as a reminder to do some preventive
maintenance. We know that self-worth doesn't come in a makeup bottle (or
any other kind, for that matter), but a little swipe of mascara or
lipgloss can make you feel, well, shiny. And shiny ain't such a bad way to
feel, especially with spring around the corner.
So here's how to do a whole-look makeover for under 50 bucks! Ready, "K"?
and whoever else is interested?
- While picking up wipes,
fresh fruit and ice cream (a girl's gotta live) at the grocery, get the
latest copies of In Style and Mode. We know that since you're pregnant
or nursing you're not in the market for the actual clothes in there, but
get them to find out what's what. Get inspired by the colours and photos
(this is why Mode is crucial ... their models' bodies plus the In Style
bodies are a real mix rather than a downer) and look at how different
hair and makeup look from the last time you perused a non-parenting
magazine. (Under $10.)
- While at the mall
feeding the kiddies their nutritious food court dinners, eye the other
chicks with an appraisers eye. Since your big dilemma is hair, "K," make
sure to check theirs out. Whenever you see someone with (A) a look you
like and/or (B) hair remotely like yours, ask for the name of her
stylist. Don't worry about being able to afford anything right now. Just
jot that name down in your filofax, and be sure to get the name of the
person giving the recommendation. Call the salon and see if the stylist
does consults. If not, find one who does and go for a wash and dry. Tell
them that you want to look hot without taking a lot of time to do your
hair. This last part is crucial, I'm guessing, because if you had time
to do your hair you'd be doing it. Do not let anyone cut your hair until
you're sure that they're right for you. A tip from my friend Tracey: she
discovered a great stylist at The Yellow Balloon, a kiddie haircutters
here in LA. They've already got toys and stuff there, so they're not as
snotty as other salons can be about having your kidlets with you.
(Consult: free to $30)
- Find someone who does
eyebrow waxing in your neck of the woods. (Make sure that their brows
aren't missing, though!) A pro can make your face look better, shape
your brows so they frame your eyes even without makeup, and all in 10
minutes. That's a mom's dream. (Under $14)
- Go through your closet
and take out the four items you wear daily (Bob and I, in fact, I'd
hazard to guess, all humans, kinda reach for the same-old, same-old),
then look at the rest with that critical eye. Let your babies play in
the discards. Don't think you have to do any of this alone, by the way.
I bet your dear hubby could also use a little making over, and maybe
he'd be flattered if you suggested he toss the things that don't "play
up his eyes." Or not. But anyway, there are probably things in your
closet that you don't wear because they're not in front. Or, if you're
in LA or NY, because they're not black. But look for the colours that
make you look like you're glowing, and move those to the front. The
stuff that doesn't fit? Alter it or give it away. It's time to move on.
And don't obsess about the labels. Order a Super Secret Nursing Shirt in
2X if that's what fits (okay, that's a shameless plug) and then cut out
the label (or just the X part!). Secret from my years on sets: the stuff
that actors wear, whether from Contempo or Calvin Klein, is altered to
fit. So if you're chesty and narrow in the shoulders, buy to fit your
chest and then fix the rest. You don't sew? Find a local tailor and
become his/her best friend. (Closet workout: free. Alterations vary)
- Dance! Turn on the radio
or put on a fave cd or 8-track if you have one and "shake your booty" --
as Cameron says -- with your kids every day. With a light layer of sweat
and the blood rushing through your veins, you won't feel frumpy at all.
The more you move, the better you'll feel. And if you feel good, you'll
look mah-vel-ous. (Again, free!)
- This will all make you
feel like having some quality sex. Surprise your dh and go on the attack
(of course, pick a day when you're not totally exhausted. For me, this
will be Jan 4, 2006, but I have to push the schedule up a bit every now
and then.) Grateful hubbies might actually start to compliment you, and
the more you get those little pick-me-ups, the likelier you are to run a
brush through your hair. Sure, not every day. You're a mom. But you're
not dead.
Have a great day, you great-looking mama you!
Roxanne
Ask Rox Main Page |
