?
Sometimes I just want to run away. Am I a bad mom?
A. No, you’re real, flesh and
blood, and you’re probably dog tired. I have days
where if I hear that cute little voice say, "Mommy" one more time I
could leave a mommy-shaped hole in the wall as I
run screaming down the street. Funnily enough, those are the same days
when only I can satisfy Cameron. So do what I’ve learned to do. It
works, usually. Breathe. Really, really, breathe.
Don’t answer the phone, don’t turn on the tv, turn away from the
computer. Sit on the floor in your pjs and just hang with your little
one. He’ll get what he needs and move on. Or not. But sometimes we’re so
stressed out that we wouldn’t accomplish anything anyway. Now I try to
give a block of focused time in the am when the pm
will be crazy, and I tell him what the day is going to be like in
advance. And run away whenever you can (to be with other women, to be
alone, to do yoga, to sit in your car in the parking lot of the mall,
whatever recharges you) but make sure that baby is with someone safe,
like his father. And don’t let your husband call it babysitting. It’s
parenting, if a parent’s doing it. (Those men!)
?
I heard about a baby dying
from being breastfed. How can I tell is my baby is getting enough milk?
A.
Gotta love the folks at 20/20, and the writers at
Chicago Hope who also wove an episode around a starving breastfed baby.
Exceptions to the rule make good stories. They are not helpful to a
nervous mother with unsupportive relatives crowded around her baby. A
very small percentage of women cannot make enough milk. A
very small percentage. Most women who were unable to nurse
successfully think that they were in this group, but many of them were
failed by their doctors. The only way to tell if enough is going in is
to check what’s coming out. This is the best case
for using cotton diapers (at least in the first month of your baby’s
life) that I can imagine. Every half-way decent baby book will tell you
that a newborn should make 6 to 8 wet diapers a
day, and 2 to 5 poops. Disposables, aside from
filling up our landfills with plastic and untreated human waste, stay
dry to the touch even with a gallon of water inside (so I exaggerate.
It’s my site) and they do this by adding a chemical that crystallizes
when urine hits it. You’ll find some of those allegedly harmless grains
on your bambino’s just-born ass and vow to use Tushies disposables or
cotton or you’re way too trusting. But I digress. If you insist on going
the Pampers/Huggies route, line each diaper with a tissue
so that you can tell a pee-pee has been there. FYI, the mom on 20/20 had
had a breast reduction (doesn’t make it necessarily impossible to nurse,
just mean that you have to be hyper vigilant about checking intake and
output) and could not afford to take her baby to the doctor for a
well-baby visit once she left the hospital. Again, she was failed by
those around her. Simply put, a tragedy all around.
?
Ever since I became a mother, I'm
lonely as hell. Do you recommend any sort of mother's group?
A.
About the mom's group thing, I went to one Mommy and Me
and found it lacking -- it was too much stimulation and fake,
smiley-face playing. I'm a pretty peppy person, so you can
imagine that if it was too much for me, ouch. Same with Gymboree --
yikes. I don't see the point of working myself into a frenzy to
entertain someone whose idea of a good time is a roll of toilet paper or
a cardboard box. I wanted a group where I could feel better about being
a mom. And maybe talk about how lousy it feels sometimes.
Check your local parenting newspaper or magazine to find a doula or
childbirth educator or midwife -- they're usually plugged in to the
alternative stuff. They may even run mother support groups that you can
cannibalize for your moms group. And if you want a cool group class
situation that's not based on freaking out babies by singing Barney
songs, look for a RIE or RIE-based group. Their headquarters is in
Silverlake, CA.)
Here's how I got together the first batch of moms for the inaugural
"Moms Anonymous" meeting. :) I held my breath and
stuck my neck out. It really is like asking a guy on a date -- and you
have to take a page rom the guy book, which is, play the numbers game.
Pick a date, like Saturday at noon, and put the date, time and your
address with directions and phone number on a sheet of paper. Give them
to the LLLI moms, even if they don't seem interested. Ask your
pediatrician if they know anyone with a baby your baby's age
age who's still nursing (there's a clue). Go to where they sell
Mothering Magazine and lie in wait for a mom with a sling. If you can
afford it, say you'll have food, but it'd be nice if they can bring
something. The very first time we tried it, people flaked because they
hadn't made any food. Now that Cameron's way mobile, we also have the
dads keep the kiddies. And don't restrict yourself to people whose
philosophies are an EXACT match with yours. That's boring. And ignores
the fact that the struggle about being a mom is doing the best with all
the baggage we've got from our own childhoods. That has nothing to do
with whether you're still nursing or not. One of my best mommy friends
hasn't vaccinated her kid -- not me. Another weaned at 4 months and her
kid lives for his pacifier -- also not me. But we all 3 know the
struggle of being lonely at home, or divvying up
childcare with hubby, or just wanting our mothering choices to be
validated. Of course, anyone you see hitting their kid, you can probably
rule out. Remember that you'll be a big help and resource to other
moms, who maybe don't feel strong enough to make good choices that
are different, or who don't know that there are other choices to be
made. I met one woman in a restaurant when she was preggo, and traded
numbers. When she had her baby, I picked them up and took them to a
LaLeche league meeting. Do we still hang out? No. But we had a nice
afternoon.
Good luck, and have fun.
?.
What is this big hoo-ha about
circumcision?
Isn't every all-American type automatically snipped at birth?
A.. Actually, no.
The numbers are constantly changing, but here's the distilled skinny on
the subject. Barring religious reasons (and, mind you, my Jewish
pediatrician didn't circumcise some of his sons, but that's between him
and his God, so don't write me angry letters), no less a venerable group
than the American Academy of Pediatrics has
finally said, "Look, it's not necessary. It's basically cosmetic
surgery." (By the way, in case you couldn't tell, I paraphrased a tad).
Now, some men get really freaked out by this, including my own dear
husband. It's understandable, since the majority of American dads ARE
circumcised and want their son's penises to look like theirs. That I
don't exactly understand, since the day I come home to find hubby and
son with their male members in a show-and-tell is the day I file for
divorce. But there's a lot to consider. Do your homework and don't make
it a knee-jerk reaction. And check out daddy's genitals when you get a
chance. See that line about midway down (or up) the shaft? That's a
SCAR.
So there's only really one ouch-free option -- don't do it. My feeling
is, my son's penis is his to do with what he wants, and if he
wants to be circumcised later, more power to him. But even if we had
gone ahead with the procedure (performed, by the way, by your OB/GYN,
whose area of specialty is most definitely NOT male plumbing) I would
opt for pain relief. Some (moron) doctors say it isn't really necessary,
but please. Picture this: you've been on earth for less than 24 hours.
Someone swoops down on you and cuts off the tip of your penis. That's
gotta be a shocker. And if Dr. Irwin Leventhal (a doctor espousing
precisely the above no-anaesthsia method) thinks the 3- to 5-minute
procedure is "so fast that the actual period of discomfort is
insignificant," I'd like to see him endure a 3- to 5-
SECOND snip on his genitals without pain relief. Moms, listen to
your hearts. Either leave your sons intact (would you do it to your
daughter?) or get them some pain relief! And have the procedure done
either by a moyhel or a urologist (they fix botched circumcisions, so
they know how much is "safe" to take off).
If I sound a little militant about this, I am. No way was I going to
look into the eyes of my newborn and send him off to be hurt on purpose.
Aside from it not being my body, and therefore not my choice to make,
there's all kinds of stats about it interfering with nursing and general
comfort lessons. Again, a tip from my Jewish friends: a bris (the ritual
snip ceremony) isn't done til baby is eight days old. So if you're going
to do it, give him a week, then take off the weight.
For a great discussion of the pros and cons of
circumcision, check out
this article from Alternamoms.
?
My mother/mother-in-lawkeeps
telling me to ________(fill in the blank). Help!
A. Sure she does.
In all likelihood, you’re parenting differently than she did, which the
average woman-of-a-certain-age takes as some sort of indictment. So
reassure her and compliment her mothering (probably what she’s after)
and say thanks, but little Sweetpea seems really happy nursing for
years/not watching tv/traveling on planes, doncha think? If things
really get ugly, you can try my favourite (after an entire day of
"Shouldn’t he be wearing a hat?" and "Do you think he’s getting enough
milk?"). Say, "Yeah. It’s a miracle he’s still alive." That oughta do
it.
?
I’m not nursing. Or I supplement
with formula. Or I didn’t breastfeed at all. Can I still practice
attachment parenting?
A. A resounding
yes you can! I’m very pro-breastfeeding, a total
advocate and supporter of the cause. But my beef is with formula
companies, not mothers who choose bottlefeeding. Even Dr. Sears’
Baby Book has info on how to bottle feed with love.
And that’s the key. Feeding is only part of the equation. Even moms who
nurse toddlers have to figure out how to meet the needs of their older
kids without that old standby, popping out a boobie for comfort. It’s
part of the challenge of being a conscious parent.
Check out
The Discipline Book or
Spiritual Parenting for more details. Reacting to your child’s cues,
wearing your baby, knowing your child are all integral to attachment
parenting and not exclusive to breastfeeding relationships.
Hey, real life intervenes. We can’t nurse forever, but even one
feeding a day will continue to be beneficial, so don’t take an
all-or-nothing stance before you need to.
?How
come so many of One Hot Mama's dresses are sleeveless?
A. Six
reasons:
1. These are nursing dresses for
summer. Where I live, summer is hot. And taking care of an active little
person in the heat tends to make me a little sweaty.
2. These are nursing dresses with style. And the
look for summer is sleeveless. But there’s good news:
3. These are nursing dresses that
go great with summer’s adorable cardigans. You can cover up for church ,
cool evenings or comfort in lacy, openwork crochet numbers, or borrow
from a classic twinset, or use a wrap. You can’t cut off a sleeve if you
want less coverage.
4. Didn’t I tell you that you’ve
got a great body? (See
Nursing Chic) If you’re arms work, they look good. If you feel
uncomfortable about your arms, check out a copy of Mode. If you still
don’t feel good letting them feel the warmth of the sun, see reason 3
above.
5. These are nursing dresses designed by or chosen
by a nursing mother. Even our sleeveless, boatneck Little Black Nursing
Dress will cover the average nursing bra – with its wide straps, huge
closure and high underarm coverage.
6. They look better that way.
Ask
Rox