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 Ask
Rox
Here's the skinny
on the stuff most people I know want to know. Of course, you know
I’m not a doctor
(haven’t even played one on tv, yet) and all advice about the health and
welfare of you and/or your baby should be checked with a practicing and
competent physician. We all know, however, that many of you don’t have
access to doctors who have the first clue about nursing or being a mother
(and I’m not necessarily referring to the men) so think of us as
a friend who’s opinion you trust.
 See also
Roxanne's article in Salon.com,
The Lactating Feminist.
See also
Hot Mama Style,
with tips from other moms, Rules of the Road, and more
Got a question of your
own? Click here and ask away.
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Today's question:
The
only thing I hate about brastfeeding is having to wear a bra 24
hours a day. If I don't,
my breasts leak like
mad all over my
clothing. Will this stop?!
Click here
for Rox's answer
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Past
Questions
Breastfeeding
Fashion /
Your Body
Relationships & Life
Parenting
?
When I am going to get my life back?
A.
When we stopped laughing, we realized how important this was to
you. Sorry to tell you, but it’s going to take about a year.
Yes, after a year as a mother you will realize that you’re not ever going
to get your life back. This is not, however, a bad thing. Your new life
will be better than you ever imagined. And harder,
and more emotional, and filled with more love than before. I tried to act
as if I was one of those women who could birth the baby in the field and
keep harvesting grain like nothing had happened. I went back to
auditioning (not the most confidence-boosting of ways to spend your time)
when Cameron was three weeks old. Take my advice.
That was stupid. Rest as long as you can. I spent the first
six months of his life trying to get away, to do stuff I used to do. I
can’t tell you how frustrating it was to be mid-bikini wax and get a phone
call from the babysitter with a wailing infant in the background. But know
what? I’m a mom now. And so are you. And the sooner
you accept that fact, the sooner the life you have will be better. I
promise.
? What
in the heck is "attachment parenting?"
A.
Something that we’re hearing alot about these days Or not hearing enough
about, in some circles. As defined by my absolute favourite authors, Dr.
William and his wife Martha Sears, it includes 5 things (breastfeeding,
co-sleeping, babywearing, and more). They’re pretty clear about
defining and utilizing the five concepts as they work best
in your particular family. As seen in some other places, that
definition seems to be stretched to nursing for a minimum of 5 years,
never sleeping alone, only using organic, homegrown veggies, and wearing
really ugly shapeless clothes.
Let me give you my
definition: it’s wanting to be a parent who knows their child. How
does that happen? Well, however it works for you. But let me point out
that if your husband said, "Honey, I really want to know you better and
have a better relationship," and then proceeded to move you into a
separate room and spend all his time when not at work with his buddies and
find you a husband-substitute for events he wanted you to attend without
him, you’d question his motives. I say, if you’re looking
to practice separation parenting, which is what most parenting
magazines seem to be promoting (just look at the slug lines for the
month’s articles), don’t have kids. It’s the
turn of the century. No-one’s forcing you to have them. If you don’t have
the time to commit to a really hard and incredibly rewarding relationship,
don’t do it. Hey, ask anyone who practices polygamy if it’s easy juggling
all those relationships and they’ll give you the real deal. I know
no-one’s more important than your husband. But you guys have the rest of
your lives together. And "an unfilled need doesn’t go away"
(The Sears’ book again). So when you could be lounging around in Tahiti
with all your free time and cash you’ll have once the kids are out of
college and so grateful for their good parenting that they send you on a
trip with their Christmas bonus, but instead you’re bailing their new
baby’s father/crack addict out of jail and dealing with their life instead
of yours, letting them sleep with you for a couple of years seems like a
pretty good deal.
Let’s get something straight: I once
had a very good friend tell me she and her man were going to have a baby.
They lived in an adorable, but one-bedroom, house in the Hollywood Hills.
I asked if they were going to move before the baby was born. They said no.
I asked what about afterwards. Still they said no. I can’t tell you how
much time I spent worrying about how that child was going
to survive without her own room. I could not get my head around the
concept that they were not going to buy a crib. Cut
to, three years later. My friend’s daughter is an incredibly
self-possessed doll of a person, who recently moved into her own room with
barely a peep. And I have a 19-month old and an unused $600 Bellini crib
($250 shipping), plus a gorgeous, fully stocked nursery (complete with
artist-painted clouds on the ceiling) that is never used. Which one of us
is the idiot?
The way you get there is up to you. But
the goal is always the same. A family
that respects and knows and understands and loves all its members.
? Why
are you and your husband qualified to run an attachment parenting
website?
A.
We're not! But it's fun here,
no? The truth is, we want you to think of us like Bill and Martha Sears.
Well, Bill and Martha, sans medical degrees, decades of experience,
several published books and seven of their eight children. The great thing
about parenting is that everyone can be an expert. We're the best parents
for our dear Cameron. And even though sometimes, we're not very confident
about our progress, we do know that we know more today than we did
yesterday. You're the best parents for your little guys. We're not
suggesting that our experiences and opinions will change your life. And,
on the advice of our lawyer, we're not even suggesting you take our
advice. But we know where we've been during the last two years, and any
help we can give to others on that same bumpy road, we're glad to
share.
?
Won’t co-sleeping ruin my sex life?
A.
Newsflash — if you have a baby and a vigorous sex life,
you’re a rarity. Who said you have to have sex in your bed? What’s
wrong with your kitchen? Seriously, you’ll have to be
creative, but all parents do. Just don’t do it in the same bed as
the baby, please. I don’t let my dogs stay in the room, and they’ve always
slept with us. At some point, you’ll be rested enough to consider a return
to swinging from the chandelier, and you’ll adapt the sleeping
arrangements accordingly. If you like to have sex before you go to sleep,
maybe you can put baby in his own room until he wakes up in the middle of
the night, then bring him into your bed. Or the timing of the re-emergence
of your sex life will coincide with moving him altogether. Again,
whatever works for you.
?
Is La Leche
League just a bunch of left-wing, co-sleeping, braless women who wear
organic cotton sackcloths and nurse their freaky kids until they're in
kindergarten?
A. Oh,
no. Well, actually, maybe. If you’re looking for a nursing pair that fits
that description, it’s a safe bet that you’ll find them at a La Leche
League meeting. (One major point: those older nursing kids are usually not
freaky at all. They’re usually very cool, self-assured and very bright.)
All I know is that, when I was so tired that I burst into tears at the
drop of a hat, my local meeting was the only place that someone said,
"Hey, Roxanne, I know how you feel. You’re doing a
good job."
The LaLeche League is an organization started by seven
moms around 50 years ago. They are now international. Group meetings are
held once a month (find one in your area at the
lalecheleague site).
The meetings are free (membership, which includes a
newsletter subscription, is $40 a year) and are a wonderful source of
support for moms, pregnant, with a newborn or even a toddler. Sure, some
of the groups may be a little earth mother for your taste, but these women
are a source of answers for every breastfeeding question
you’ll ever have. Leaders have to take a ton of classes to get
certified, and have access to an extensive library of information. Look, I
don’t like hanging out with my accountants, either, but come tax time, my
life is in their hands, because they’re the experts. Go, take what you
need or like, and forget the rest. They’ll even help you with weaning, for
god’s sake. If you don’t like the particular leader, find another group.
You may even make friends there that last a
lifetime. Remember, a Hot Mama doesn’t let anyone judge her. So don’t
judge LLL ‘til you’ve walked a mile in your nursing bra.
?
With my first baby, I didn’t nurse because the lactation
consultant was so hard-core and pushy about its benefits. I’m pregnant
again and hate all those people telling me how good nursing is. What
should I do?
A.
Look, don’t not nurse because you think women who do are
hard-core militants. That’s like not becoming a mother because
you hate minivans. (I confess, the dorky-car-factor
did make me think twice about getting pregnant). You’re still you, you’ll
just be using your breasts for good. You can have
the same friends you used to, see the same movies (only they’ll be on
video).
?
People are telling
me that nursing is confining, time-consuming and difficult. Is it?
A.
Yes. So is being a parent, but you’re doing that. I don’t know of a way to
mother that won’t take up a lot of what used to be your time, unless
immediately post-partum, you hand the baby to a trusted person and then
leave the room, never to be seen or heard from again. If that’s the
relationship you’re looking for, get a cat.
Nursing is only confining if you let it be. Once you
learn to nurse in public (go to
Rules of The Road for
tips), you can go anywhere, and I mean, anywhere. It’s actually less
confining than formula, because you can decide to take off to Mexico on
Friday at noon and be on the road by 2 (been there, done that). A 10-hour
delay in a third-world airport is no biggie (yes, we’ve done that too) nor
is a snowstorm or earthquake or hurricane (thankfully, haven’t done that).
You can feed your baby anywhere (and if the
situation were really dire, you could also feed everyone else trapped in
the hut with you).
Time-consuming, yes, but so is washing and prepping bottles and
shopping for formula and going to the doctor (statistically, formula-fed
babies get sick more often. That doesn’t mean that your particular baby
will, or that your breastfed baby won’t, but chances are he’ll follow the
norm). Not to mention that, there are worse things to do with your time
than being forced to sit in a rocking chair and get the
hormonal buzz that comes from nursing. And once you figure out how
to nurse in a sling, you’ll be unstoppable. (Buy
one from us!)
Difficult? I got a question for you —
wasn’t sex kind of tough to figure out the first time? And maybe
even the second. But you clearly persisted enough to become a mom. There
are two people who need to learn to nurse here, one is you, and the other
is baby. And he’s also learning to breathe, to poop, to live in a
non-liquid environment. His schedule is full. He may be having a tough
time too. So be patient. One thing is true: done
correctly, nursing should not hurt. Get help if it
does. It could be that baby’s lips aren’t pouting in a fish-face shape, or
he has thrush, or a short frenulum or any one of a gazillion little things
that an experienced lactation consultant or doctor or LaLeche League
leader would notice. Read
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding for troubleshooting. And
remember, even one day of nursing is beneficial to your baby. So
try it for one week. Then another. And another. Go
as long as you can, and you’ll reap a lifetime of benefits. After all, you
can always go from breast to bottle, but the reverse is a really tough
road.
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